Mind, Body, Spirit

When too many things start bouncing around in my head…I know it is time to get them put someplace.  Sometimes I talk about the things, sometimes I stuff the worries deep down where no one can see them, sometimes I cry at night while my family sleeps.  Because, here’s the thing…this is damn hard. So, today, I am going to write the things. 

One week ago I came down with a “cold”.  Knowing that I have a compromised immune system, I took the weekend as downtime and rested.  But what works for a regular old garden variety immune system no longer seems to work for mine.  I went from a cold to becoming a full blown disgusting mucus factory, leaving a trail of Kleenex and blankets in every location I happened to land.  I finally called oncology and went in.  They checked labs and suggested I maybe stop the chemo pills half way through this round. Of course that comes with it’s own set of worries, so I opted to stay strong and stick it out.  2 days later I was sitting at my provider’s office throwing in the proverbial white towel while begging for relief from the constant coughing, runny nose, fevers, and body aches. Being limited on what I can take for antibiotics due to drug interactions with my Kisqali,(chemo), they started me on Augmentin.  One dose of Augmentin with food that night and things took a horrible turn for the worst.  Suffice it to say the bathroom became my refuge for the next 6 hours…awful violent vomiting that just wouldn’t stop with some explosive diarrhea on the side.  It was a night to remember. Back to oncology today for fluids, a steroid to clear my mucus filled head, my monthly hormone blocker meds and another less brutal, (we hope), antibiotic to start tomorrow.  

Not only was this week physically draining but it also came with a much harder mental blow.  You see, staying positive and grateful takes work.  I have been a detox nurse, a human trafficking advocate, and a social justice warrior for ending homelessness.  I know the evil in the world, I know the darkness and the hate.  I work to see the good in the world…every single day.  I like to think I am a pretty good person.  That took a lot of work, honest introspection, trust, and the willingness to look at things and do things someone else’s way.  I learned all of this through the building blocks of alcoholics anonymous, which was exactly what I needed 21 years ago.  Feeling sick, weak, worthless,and burdensome makes it pretty hard to feel grateful and find the good.  All I wanted was to be present for my family-to play with my grand baby, spend time with my kids, hang with my husband without him having to care for me and listen to me wretching from the next room. But all I could do was lay in bed and try to rest.  I started feeling hopeless…and that is a dangerous place for me.  I have the capacity like every other human to spiral.  My fear is if that spiral started, I don’t know how far or how low it would go..and I hope to never find out.  

IV steroids are amazing and I find myself wondering if they are anyone’s drug of choice.  I told Sean after my appt that I could see in color again after living in a fog all week.  So, what did I learn from this?  Well, firstly I had gotten lax on protecting my health.  With a compromised immune system I need to be careful to avoid knowingly sick people and crowds.  I started going places more without a mask.  Sometimes I didn’t even use my hand sanitizer when I got back in the car, (gasp).  I helped my husband with an event and attended a dinner for 80 ppl while coming off a weeklong yurt trip to Bozeman. Perhaps all of this was too much in my new world.  While lying on the bathroom floor making deals with my maker, I vowed to never leave the house again.  I am pretty sure I can find a happy medium. 

I guess what I am trying to share is that I don’t have it all figured out.  But what I do know is that I need to keep myself healthy to fight this fight.  Sometimes that may look selfish or overly cautious.  After this week, I can deal with it.  I also was reminded that everything is connected, mind, body, and spirit.  I need to keep them all healthy to manage this new normal. 

New things coming: I have signed up for a stage 4 cancer mentor.  Today my infusion nurse said I would make a great mentor.   I told her someday..right now I am the one that needs the help, (and I just said that out loud, for those of you in the back).  I am a caretaker.  It is what brings me joy, calms my soul, and makes me feel useful.  It is my calling, if you will, and I am really fucking good at it.  Allowing others to care for me has been so much harder than I ever imagined.  I don’t know what that is about exactly, but I may start some therapy and dig into that a little because mind, body, spirit, right? 

Shout out this week to my fricken amazing son who calls multiple times a day to support me and constantly offers assistance with whatever we need.  And thank you also to Bryce and Lacey for keeping my connection with Hadley when I can’t be with her. That little squirt is crawling like nobody’s business and I was able to witness it on FaceTime.  And for that…I am grateful.  Sending love and light to all of you that love me from near or far.  Thank you. 

Shit, maybe what doesn’t kill you actually does make you stronger. Ya think?